…
Okay, so that didn’t go as well as I had allowed myself to hope it might.
I’m not trying to make excuses, but I had this horrible, fitful, frantic night’s sleep last night, varying between being really sweaty and really cold, all the while having super mundane work dreams. But when I got up, I tried to remain positive, having half a grapefruit and peanut butter toast.
So before the test, Phil and I stretched out and did some basic core and balance work, followed by a quick warm-up of jumping jacks, high-knees, and butt-kicks. I was getting more and more nervous, thinking about how long it had been since I had run, listening to Josh say that a lot of athletes fail this test and that it is really hard.
And it turns out I was wrong about the pacing of the test. I had thought the first ten minutes are sort of a warm up–building up a pace, but starting off somewhat easily. The previous times I’ve run for a half hour, it’s been at 5.6mph or 5.8mph. And I have only ever run for half an hour three times in my life. Anyway, Josh wanted me to start at like 6.2mph, which was a terrifying prospect. So he relented and let me start at 5.8mph.
During those first ten minutes, my body was like Will Smith in any movie he’s ever been in: “Oh, hell no.” And I think that’s where I really started to lose focus and frankly, hope. I began to panic almost immediately after increasing the speed to start the twenty-minute portion of the test. I couldn’t get control of my breathing and I kept thinking about how I was going to have to keep up this pace for twenty more minutes, when I felt like I couldn’t run for another five. And I just kept saying, “I can’t do this, I’m not going to finish.”
So somewhere around fifteen minutes [out of thirty, not twenty] I smacked the red STOP button. For the first time.
Right away, Josh turned the treadmill back on, building up to a jogging pace. I was in the middle of a meltdown, so I said, “You’re not going to trick me and get my pace back up to where it was before!” Which sounds ridiculous now, but I was completely serious. I thought Josh was just going to keep boop-booping up the pace until we were back at 6.3mph and then just shrug at me. He didn’t do that, but he did bring the pace up to about 5.8mph. I tried focusing on whatever was happening on ESPN and CNN, tried taking really deep breaths. I would gasp out things like, “I feel like I’m going to collapse, I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack, I have chills running up and down my arms, ooh Tim Lincecum!” After a couple more minutes, I hit the STOP button again, saying “Fuck!’ and turning the treadmill back on. I went for another thirty seconds and hit STOP again! I was practically crying at that point, really disappointed in myself but also completely destroyed by the exertion.
We turned the treadmill back on and put me at 5.5mph, and I think by that point we had like, ten minutes left in the test. I tried to get myself more positive, thinking I knew I could do this, I had done it before, I was down to the last ten minutes, thanks to all of my STOP-ping.
While all of this was happening, by the way, while I was going through the five stages of grief, looking like Munch’s “The Scream,” Phil was chugging along at 6.9mph. He was able to finish the test because, well… Phil is a fantastic athlete. I was really proud of him!
But back to me. As we were drawing towards the end of those ten minutes, Josh said, “Okay Liz, I want you to bring it up to 6.3mph for the last minute,” and I said “Fuck you. You’re kidding.” But I did it.
So, I can’t help but be disappointed in myself, and think if I had just focused more on running on my own time, if I had just been able to get a grip on my attitude, if I had just refused to hit the STOP button, I could have completed the test. But I’ve also got to say, “Hey, this is the fourth time in my entire life that I have run for thirty minutes, and the entire time I was trying to run faster and harder than I ever have. And I didn’t quit. Yes, I stopped, but I didn’t get off the treadmill and try to drown myself in the pool.” I think I have a hard time allowing myself to be proud of things. Like, if our workout is really hard, I get down on myself for not being able to perform like I want to; if our workout doesn’t completely kick my ass, I start thinking I should have been trying harder or challenging myself more.
So, I just have to focus even more on my running, and get ready for the next time we do this test, which will be in about a month.
You think Tim Lincecum’s hot? I think he’s weird-looking. But he can throw the hell out of a baseball!
You are awesome.Thank you so much for sharing this with us all. We are proud of you and Phil. You both inspire. Josh too.
Liz:
Great desciption of inner workings of athletic experience.
You have put into words what many have only grunted.
Letting go is a big step.
Roger Bannister ran unconscious thru the last several seconds of the first four minute mile buster barrier.
It feels like awful hell torture but we can take more than we can imagine and fear is the boogey man in it all.
You are a true trailblazer for all who read your batteryacidsweatblog.
God bless you!
Good work pulling through! I know what you’re talking about with the not letting yourself be proud of things– we’ve got this critical voice that won’t go away. It’s usually a good thing, I think, but you can’t let it keep you from pumping your fist every once in a while when you nail something. Or even if you eke out something decent.
And Tim Lincecum, really??
So this was worse than you imagined it would be.
Great description of a painful experience.
Most folks can barely grunt the grunt but you have crossed the T’s and dotted the eyes!
Awesome!
You have run thirty minutes before and you will run for hours down the road.
Fear is the scandala and Boogey Man is his name oh.
Over come the fear.
Your heart is strong and your spirit is beyond destruction.
Rock on Blonde Bomber!
Liz, running on a treadmill is punishment in itself, let alone at a 6.3 pace. The treadmill is my worst enemy….I loathe the thought of it and cringe at your experience. I actually just threw up a little. Ask josh to do the test outside…I put twenty dollars on you rocking it. I’ll lend you my watch that tracks your speed.
I love slapping that red stop button!!! its a big F-you!!